Blitz Advertising
30 seconds of airtime during a Super Bowl commercial break costs about $2.7 million. That’s $90,000 a second. It’s a hell of a deal, but $2.7 million is still quite a barrier to entry.
Some third party needs to purchase a few of these 30 second slots and sell smaller chunks of time, say, 3 seconds each, to companies that want to get some good ol’ American eyeshare, but dont want to spend $2.7 million for a full 30 second slot.
Even the bigger players who do have the money sitting around for a full slot should be looking for fresh, new ways to capture people’s attention and get them talking around the water cooler about the sweet commercials they saw during the big game. Imagine the raw joy of being assaulted by advertising at rates approaching 20 CPM. Could you resist the desire to consume, consume, consume after sitting through the 30 seconds described below?
- 1-4: Woman in tight-fitting white pants spins through the air and issues a fatal kick to the head of her shirtless male opponent. Futuristic x-ray zoom in reveals a Kotex maxi pad.
- 5-7: Close-up view of an obese man’s face, chins hanging below the frame. He lisps: “RUB PLANTERS PEANUTS ON YOUR CHEST TO FEEL SEXY IN THE MORNING.” Man could possibly be Michael Bower.
- 8-10: White background, monster.com logo. Low male voice: “Be one of those boorish pricks who brags about his fun, fulfilling job. Stop hating yourself.”
- 11: Brief flash of an anthromorphized Coke bottle, complete with shiny droplets of condensation, wide anime-eyes, and a huge mouth screaming its lungs out at max commercial volume.
- 12-16: In total silence, we watch an emaciated starving-artist type boyman with perfectly tousled hair and a flawlessly-branded thrift store outfit sit on a white floor in a white room with no furniture wolf down a McDonald’s sandwich. A clearly recognizable McDonalds fry container lies on the ground next to him.
- 17-20: A group of urban youths in baggy pants saunters down the street, looking dangerous. One of them is shouldering a boom-box blasting a mainstream-sounding rap song. The only lyrics we hear: “MYSPACE, GO THERE, MEET YOUR HOMIES. MYSPACE, DAWG, STILL THE CHOICE FOR O.G’S.”
- 21-25: A Nintendo Wii sits alone, forgotten, in a barren, rusty, sun-scorched, landscape. Out of nowhere, an enormous X-Box 360 descends from the sky and crushes the smaller console under its bulk. “Achievement Unlocked” sound plays.
- 26-29: A man lies alone in the middle of a queen-sized bed in his pajamas, sweating profusely, helpless as his left leg kicks frantically, bending at impossible angles, grotesquely contorting his entire body. The motion is demonic, reminiscent of the little possesed girl in The Exorcist. Powerful male voice: “Restless Leg Syndrome: Serious Business. Requip: Ask your doctor.”
- 30: The Coke bottle returns, still screaming, as loud as ever, eyes even wider than before, distended and bloodshot.
Anybody have $2.7 million lying around?
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